Naming trends are getting weird.

When did we collectively decide that our faces need to be basted, marinated, and caramelised? RHODE, Fenty, and Summer Fridays are all guilty of leaning into food metaphors and they’ve each spawned countless copycats. Nails are blueberry milk coloured, blush is now “tomato girl makeup”, and skin is glazed donut. Everything is a butter. Or a milk. Or cream cheese. It’s like beauty is now part of brunch. To be fair, I actually think it’s an effective naming tool to convey texture. But enough is enough. Can we find a new metaphor now?

Makeup is anything but makeup. Everything is now borrowing skincare language to sound more elevated. A blush is no longer a blush, it’s a tinted cheek serum. Or a flush balm (MERIT, hello). A dew stick. A cheek oil. Why do I need my blush to deliver negligible amounts of hyaluronic acid to 2% of my face? Just do skincare and let makeup be makeup. Is that such a wild idea?

Why are all my local sandwich shops and wine bars owned by a Fred or Hank derivative? Every new spot is named Nico’s, Hector’s, Hugo’s—and now the last straw is Lenny’s, a new Richmond wine bar. Are they all in a group chat together? These venues would make for the most confusing Monopoly board at games night with the boys. How does one go about de-centring men when my natty wine has the name of a man with a degree in commerce?

There’s a new formula in fizzy drinks, and it’s not just prebiotics. The latest crop of soda-adjacent beverages—Bobby, Poppi, Olipop, Moodi—all follow the same naming playbook: bouncy, vowel-heavy sounds, plosive consonants (p, b), and soft, friendly endings (-y, -i, -op). It’s a linguistic cocktail designed to feel playful, nostalgic, and ultra-approachable—like your childhood bestie, not a health drink. Bobby even has a line "Like your highschool crush. But less toxic." If this keeps up, we’re only a few launches away from Fizzi, Zippi, or, in an act of rebellion, Greg Soda.

In the Tumblr era we had Flickr, Grindr, etc(r). Then came the Silicon Valley tech boom of Shopify, Spotify, everything -ify. And now we’re getting brand names that feel AI-assisted, like we’re already succumbing to our robot overlords. Exhibit A is the slugging skincare brand Futurewise. The slugging concept is already derived from a TikTok trend, so it makes sense that it feels algorithmically generated. Mashing together "Future" and "Wise" is really giving ChatGPT logic: It’s wise to slug your skin because future you will thank you :) Sure, it sounds vaguely smart, but it’s so generic it could easily be a wealth management firm, a superfund, or a life insurance provider. The fun and relatable bubble font doesn’t make up for it sounding like it was spat out by a brand bot.

Other honourable mentions go to: ARC teeth whitening (a name that could reference a smile’s curve but also feels vaguely mathematical—very robotic) and EQLZ sportswear (tagline: future of athletic wear, but missing the part where the future of athletic wear is likely landfill while also co-opting the idea of equality). All-caps, vague, soulless—this is the current state of brand names. I miss the Tumblr era.